


i sucked dick but i died because i have a nut allergy

by saythe8



Category: Chinese Actor RPF, EXO (Band)
Genre: Crack, Dangerous Bromance, High School AU, M/M, he's been asking for this for like eight months god, i can't believe i'm actually writing this for my best friend, i stg if he asks me to write a sequel i'm deleting my ao3, it's a running gag between me and like five other people please, it's april fools bitches !, literally don't read this if you aren't into crackfics, please send him hate for making me do this, remember that nobody reads these before i post them so i'm sorry for the mistakes, thank you for reading this shitstorm, there's baekhyun hate in here please don't report me to the authorities it's joke bitch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-01
Updated: 2018-04-01
Packaged: 2019-04-16 15:03:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14167485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saythe8/pseuds/saythe8
Summary: the avoidable elliott x yifan high school au that i put too much time into(alternatively titled; yifan in the seventh dimention)





	i sucked dick but i died because i have a nut allergy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kenhwan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kenhwan/gifts).



> i hated making this but i had to,,,, for my best fucking friend,,,,,, on april fools. i spent actual, real, one hour time on this.
> 
> (don't take the title seriously it's literally a joke there's no nsfw)

first period. "picture this. a camel. but with a dog's head." yixing doesn't even miss a beat. "shutting the fuck up is gluten free yifan, maybe you should add that to your diet."

 

fast forward a bit. it's fourth period. the day is almost over. the class is losing its collective mind. elliott is staring at yifan. baekhyun mumbles in elliott's direction, "you're looking at his ass as if you need answers." elliott doesn't even fucking hear him. god he hates baekhyun. but they grew up together. sigh. jongdae dropped his pencil and minseok - the fucking sweetheart he is - picks it up for the boy. life is good. yifan leans over to yixing. "dog camel." yixing punches him. elliott is sad now. life is considerably less good.

 

after school. elliott does baseball. yifan does basketball (because this is a predictable high school au and he's a fucking green giant). yixing is an equestrian. yifan fucking hates that. baekhyun also does baseball. elliott fucking hates that. "dude." baekhyun starts. "dude. we're starting. stop staring at his dick, for fuck's sake. i know you're ass deep into loving him but don't be horny on main, you bitch." elliott isn't even fazed. "at least i'm not the one falling for the teachers." baekhyun dies instantly. elliott feels better now. but he still has a boner. you shouldn't be horny on main, dude.

 

okay since we're here, take some plot. basically, baekhyun is elliott's childhood friend, but elliott hates his fucking guts and baekhyun **knows** it. he doesn't exactly care though. he has no friends. and elliott's the only one he's really told about his crush on literally any teacher he's ever had. so it's okay. but also, yifan. elliott really likes yifan. it's more of an obsession if anything but.. we don't talk about it. yifan and yixing are best friends, and they call each other 2yeet, becayse 2yi, and it's fucking funny, okay? minseok and jongdae have a weird dangerous bromance going on. nobody understands why they haven't banged yet. elliott doesn't understand why yifan hasn't banged him yet. suddenly, elliott remembers. "ah yes. my nut allergy." clearly, this plot is wack. don't even worry about it.

 

next day. elliott is walking to school with baekhyun, who's alive again. unfortunate. yifan walks by. instant boner. he's alone today. yixing stayed home sick. yixing just sent yifan a horse meme. yifan projectile vomits. elliott still loves him.

 

second period. it's gym. elliott has gym with yifan. they're playing dodgeball. yifan is on the other team. elliott wants to die. but baekhyun is also on the other team. elliott wants to die considerably less. yifan throws a ball at the kid next to him (his name is chanyeol, right?) baekhyun gets a ball thrown at him. out. now sehun is out. now minseok. jongdae purposefully gets himself hit by a ball to sit next to minseok. it's basically just yifan on one side and elliott on the other. he can fucking see the sweat dripping off his forehead. it's kinda gross, actually. but he still loves him. elliott throws a ball. yifan catches it. "fight me you long ass bitch." elliott whispers as he heads off the court. yifan doesn't hear him. elliott thinks it's perfect this way. but also, he's suffering. he's liked yifan for basically four years now. when will this end.

 

since this is getting to be long and i'm tired, strap up kids here's some elliott/yifan interaction. it's fourth period again. science is hard. they have to pair up. yixing isn't here, so yifan is lost. obviously minseok and jongdae pair up. elliott denies baekhyun so hard that baekhyun is killed once more. elliott goes up to yifan. his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. there's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti. he's nervous, but on the surface he looks calm and ready. he asks yifan to be his partner. yifan says yes, mostly because elliott is kinda cute in that weird, stressed out way. elliott squints into oblivion. he never wears his glasses because looking cute is better than being able to legally see. then elliott comprehends. he yells instantly. elliott is forcefully removed from the group chat. which group chat you ask? the classroom. the demons won today, i'm sorry.

 

after school again, mostly because this is the worst fic ever conceived with the worst plotline ever known to man. elliott actually pays attention in baseball because baekhyun is dead. yifan does this thing that i would be able to explain if i played basketball. elliott literally bursts into tears. elliott is yet again forcefully removed from another group chat.

 

the next morning. yixing is still out. yifan is still lonely. elliott tries talking to him. yifan thinks elliott is still kinda cute. baekhyun is.. uh? elliott is having a good time. yifan enjoys this boy's company. they basically talk all through lunch and the periods they have together. if this seems rushed, good. it should be. i give no more fucks.

 

fourth period rolls around again and they need to be partners. elliott promises not to yell this time. he is readded into the group chat. they do science shit and manage to get a pretty decent grade. yifan is happy. he smiles at elliott. elliott's heart does this weird thing aka punches him in the throat. baekhyun revives just to utter these words, "why fall in love when you can fall asleep?" it's too late though. elliott is already so far up yifan's ass that he can basically eat his food for him. it's disgusting to think about.

 

elliott skips baseball to watch yifan play. he's so handsome. step your bussy game up, chanyeol. you're like.. as tall as yifan. why don't you do cool shit like that. yifan does the same thing as yesterday. doing that, he finally notices elliott. he smiles at him. elliott thinks yifan is the most beautiful boy in the universe. this is corny and gay.

 

elliott and baekhyun are walking home. "you can't put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase, bitch." baekhyun choses to ignore elliott's words.

 

pretend there's character development and a budding relationship happening between elliott and yifan here. i'm not gonna actually write it. just imagine it.

 

elliott is done pining for yifan. elliott asks him out. yifan says yes, and no, not only because elliott is cute in that weird, stressed out way. elliott loses his whole mind. yifan smiles, because he's grown used to elliott dying every single fucking day. elliott texts baekhyun. "hey bitch, you owe me now. he said yes. please send legos and cocaine." baekhyun is quaking in his boots. his otp finally... anyway. elliott and yifan do all the shitty, gross couplely stuff people do in romcoms like share drinks with two straws and kiss each other's noses. it's fucking adorable. but then minseok and jongdae finally confessed their undying love for each other. then elliott and yifan are overshadowed by how fucking adorable they are. it's sad, but also elliott is having a hell of a time sucking yifan's dick and kissing his handsome ass face. it's a good life.

 

(and by the way, yixing never came back to witness any of this. it was a metaphor for #yixing is still in exo 2018. i hope you understand.)

**Author's Note:**

> none of yall understand anything but i just want you to know that in the seventh dimension, yifan hates horses, so that's why he hates the fact that yixing is an equestrian. elliott can very well receive nut. the nut allergy was for the joke as this whole fic is a joke,, also i deleted this once while trying to publish it and my exact words to elliott were "hey dude i'm about to have a seizure."
> 
> (the dog camel thing at the beginning is a reference to https://i.imgur.com/7a60otD.jpg lmao you're welcome)


End file.
